Tag:

fear

Marriage and Misophonia

by Sensory Diversity July 28, 2016

written by Sensory Diversity

Marriage is a beautiful thing. To live forever with whom you deem your soul mate, best friend, partner in crime? That’s awesome. My relatives talk to me all the time about what marriage is like, and almost every time the topic comes up, they mention having kids. They talk about how kids are such a blessing, which I’m sure they are. They say there are hard times, but that it’s all worth it, and yes, I’m sure it is. But I think what they don’t understand is my fear of having kids because of my misophonia.

Misophonia has caused me to get angry at the tiniest things, even if they aren’t necessarily triggers. It’s caused me to be violent toward inanimate objects, and to myself. It’s caused me to scream and shout. I don’t want to have children because I fear I won’t be a good mother. I fear they’ll look at me and think about how scary I am when they hear me shout, when they hear me punch things. They’ll think they did something wrong, which they didn’t, but how can you make a child understand that?

I have read posts about misophonia sufferers with children, and how sometimes the kids trigger them. They post such violent thoughts about things they want to do to their own child. I know they won’t do that, but I don’t want to start having terrible thoughts like that. I have horrendous thoughts already.

Furthermore, some might say that the love of my children will overcome my misophonia. Are you sure about that? Everyone is different. My misophonia has changed me a lot in 11 years, and I’m sure it will continue to do so as I age. Others might say I’m too negative and should stop worrying. How can I not worry, especially when it keeps being brought up? I worry because my family expect me to have children. I also don’t think I’m being negative, I think I’m being realistic. Why would I want my child to see me as the mom who hates noise and tries to be careful but ends up triggering me anyway, and then the child cries and runs to his or her room because I shot them a death glare or slammed the table?

For now, I don’t see a child in my future because of misophonia. I applaud those with misophonia or some other mental disability that has children and is doing well. I do. I’m happy for those who love their children so much, that that love alone stops you from lashing out, but perhaps there is still hope for me. I’m only 21. Perhaps my fears will be laughable when my husband and I are looking at our child asleep in their room. But for now, I see a future with my current boyfriend in the near future, and that’s it. Him and I, together til death do us part, and finally able to claim his last name.

July 28, 2016 0 comments

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Personal Stories

A Day in the Life of a Misophone

by Sensory Diversity June 19, 2016

written by Sensory Diversity

As I have previously mentioned in another article, I try to start my day on a positive note. I wake up, stretch, take my vitamins, my generic Lexapro for anxiety, and a pain reliever for my joint and hip pain. I eat breakfast, and then I do something busy and productive, to fully wake up my mind. Only then, am I mentally ready to start my day. If have to go out of the comfort and solace of my home and be a human that day, am constantly talking myself out of anxiety. I know it sometimes is irrational, or unneeded, but it is still there, and I have to consciously get rid of it. It is a waste of my time, and is mentally exhausting; I know this, and I am disappointed in this, as well. I just try to focus on breathing and thinking positively.

I work at a preschool 5 days a week, from 8:45am to 3-5pm. So this means being in a classroom with 5-6 toddlers that don’t tend to sniff, they just let the snot roll right down their face, and I just wipe it off. Also, their chewing and eating noises don’t bother me either, I actually, find it cute. Usually, I just drive straight to work, go directly into my exterior classroom door, and then mentally prepare myself to walk into the main entrance with everyone, sign in, and get a fresh bleach and water bottle to clean the lunch and changing tables. However, today, I had to stop by a dollar tree on the way in, to get a drink, a hair tie, and some marshmallows for an art project I wanted to do with my class. It was camping week and I was going to let my kids paint a fire, using marshmallows on a stick.

I walked into the store, pensively. The cashier greeted me in a nasally voice, so I kept walking, quickly, away from her. No thanks, potential trigger. I walked over a few isles to the hair accessories, grabbed what I needed, and started over to the food to find marshmallows. On the way, I noticed that the store was pretty busy, to be 8am, I spotted a larger woman with her kid, an older couple, maybe in their sixties, and a younger man with very long hair. I rushed through, finished my shopping, took a deep breath, and approached the nasally woman at the register. Things were going fine, I was having minimal anxiety, and doing a good job staying calm around all of those people.

scream Until, the reality of my condition set in. The larger woman and her kid had gotten in line behind me, and right in my ear, she produced the loudest, grossest, most booming and reverberating sniff, I had ever encountered. A jolt of shock rushed through me, and my blood ran cold. I couldn’t leave yet, I had to pay. Money. The nasally voice was asking me for money. I don’t even remember what happened next, except for incessantly and ridiculously sniffing, myself, until I got out to my car. I found myself sitting in my car, for five or ten minutes, yelling and cussing at the woman for subjecting my ears to such a cacophony. Its all I could hear in my head, so I had to smack my ears to get rid of it, and scream to get the adrenaline out. It is only 8:30am.

At work, I am occasionally greeted with a few triggers by coworkers, parents, and sometimes children, but it is usually manageable. I will either retreat to my classroom, turn on music, or politely rush them out of my classroom. There is, however, a specific coworker, that I hate to admit, I actively avoid. She is a very sweet lady, but I cannot stick around her, because she is a chronic sniffer. Chronic sniffer is a term I use for people that sniff at least once every ten or so minutes. I hear her in passing, in staff meetings, through my old classroom walls, when all the classes were napping, and she was on her break in the hallway. There is a little anxiety about being at work, but like I said, I just take deep breaths, stay positive, and have fun with my class.

If I’m not working, and still have to go anywhere, it takes lots of mental preparation and self motivation. Running errands, making appearances, hanging out with family, or anything that involves being in public, or around others, inevitably gives me some degree of anxiety. Doctors, and dentists offices, or waiting rooms in general, are the worst, but especially when everyone waiting is sick. Restaurants are stressful, and quiet settings like church, school, or libraries are petrifying. No matter what I tell myself, I am gun-shy and stressed, anytime other people are around me, or even on the phone with me.

I find that it is easier to deal with a trigger when I can see it coming, and mentally prepare, so I am constantly on the lookout for a sign that a potential trigger may occur. This causes me to be slightly distracted, odd, and too observant. Being so hyper vigilant is draining, and the constant intake of stimuli is too much for my system. By the end of the day, I am exhausted, and strung out from Misophonia alone, on top of normal human stress.

5835131886_cd3f094d91_z All I can do is fake a smile. “Fake it until you make it,” right? I refuse to let myself be depressed. Yes, my disorder beats me down many, many times through out the day and makes me feel stupid, and crazy, but I know that I am not. I’m bigger than my disorder. Sometimes, when I am triggered, I am so exhausted, that all I can do is just laugh. It’s a frustrated, exaggerated laugh, but it is all I can muster. I go to sleep at night with my mind whirring. My sensitivities cause me a lot of pain throughout the day, but it also allows me to observe and process more of the world around me. Fighting this battle just puts life in a different perspective for me. It gives me inadvertent strength, and courage, and a unique viewpoint.

June 19, 2016 0 comments

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Coping

Don’t be Afraid

by Sensory Diversity June 12, 2016

written by Sensory Diversity

sharron

Another writer for Misophonia International E-Magazine, Sharon graduated yesterday. She messaged the rest of the staff and crew, with concern about the actual ceremony. Not only was she triggered by one of the speakers, but there would be large congregation of people, which guarantees triggers, and automatic anxiety, for Misophones, in general. This magazine has featured an article before, written by Vicki Sladowski, from the position of a parent going to see her son graduate, and struggling to be mentally present for such an milestone event, because of all of the aversive stimuli surrounding her. During her graduation ceremony, Sharon wanted to wear her earplugs that play brown noise, because wearing them, was the only way she felt comfortable and calm, exposed to all of that same stimuli. However, she expressed that her family members may not be too keen about this, probably because it might look strange, and people could ask questions. Graduation are a big day, it should be filled with good memories, yet, neurological disorders do not let up for celebrations. For the majority of Misophones, every day is a day they face their disorder, days that are suppose to be positive and happy, are no different.

Misophonia is serious.

It is a big deal to get through school with Misophonia, it can be a nightmare, and seriously torturous. I would not have survived grade school without earplugs, and even still, I would have to take bathroom breaks often, just to cool down. I listened to music any chance that a teacher would let me, because sometimes I could hear triggers through my earplugs. I constantly looked frightened and annoyed, and was often very socially awkward. It is a miracle that I even graduated. I got very angry, and cried a lot, mostly in secret, because no one believed me when I told them that sniffing, chewing, coughing, tapping, and ticking, were causing me so much distress. I would get home and lock myself in my room. I constantly had loud music or a fan going to drown out my family, which sounds terrible. Growing up, and going through school is confusing, and difficult enough, but add an odd, and unheard of, brain tick, in the mix, its and makes for an even more exciting time, way too exciting, and stressful.

Misophonia causes me act freakish and odd, for far too long, I was ashamed and defeated and sunk into a dark place, but now, I embrace and respect my uniqueness. Yes, it is strange and weird that I cannot physically and emotionally allow myself to repetitively sense a trigger, and not flee, stop, or mute the trigger in some way. Additionally, once I’m wound up from a trigger, I have to consciously calm and soothe myself back down to normal, before I can re-enter reality, and focus, without a charge of adrenaline rushing through me. It’s weird, and it is exhausting, but I have a neurological disorder, that pumps extreme floods of weird hormones, and sensations throughout my body, at the slightest noises and experiences. I live with it, I have no other choice. The sooner all sufferers and those around us, accept that we cannot control being triggered and accommodate it, one isolating aspect of the disorder is lifted, and it becomes a little bit easier to process.

There may not be a cure, and if there ever is, it is very far off. Some of us might be dealing with this, on our own, with internet knowledge, for the rest of our lives. I advocate, and write, for the future generations of Misophones. So that maybe we can gain faster recognition and prevent more blind suffering. Mental illnesses and strange learning and sensory disorders, in general, have risen in children by 16% in the last ten years, so humanity will have to pay more attention to the issue at some point. There are many theories in which people believe that the boom in technological advances within the last 50 years, happened faster than the human mind was capable of widely handling, and this is having some backlash. The younger generations now know how to work a cell phone or tv at one and two years old, yet ask your grandma to work them, and see how that goes. This is terrifying, in a way. Regardless, that is only a theory, as to why the learning and sensory disorders are rising, but it is a proven fact that there is an issue, whether it is chemicals we are consuming or using, or what.

Don’t struggle scared and alone, or be uncomfortable.

It has slowly been coming to light, every single day, that there are a lot more Misophones out there than we all realized. We are not alone. We are all different. We are triggered by different things, and affected in different ways, and we all seem to have very sad stories. I’m tired of hearing sad things about Misophonia. Yes, we have a disorder, but we still deserve to be happy in life. We shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask to put on music, or turn on a fan, or get up and take a breather or stretch when we are stressed, and we shouldn’t feel ashamed when we have to wear earplugs, or headphones, whenever, or wherever. Instead of hiding the reasoning and being passive, use the only weapon we can use over the anxiety, include others, and cope as best as we can. If people ask questions about why we are different, or particular, use it as an opportunity to advocate, explain that you have a neurological condition and how it affects you! No human is perfect, everyone has some sort of battle they face. You have no idea who around you may be struggling too, and being open may create a lot of healthy dialogue. We are not hurting anyone but ourselves by bottling up and feeling ashamed of our biggest hurdle in life, no matter how huge we think it is or how hard we think it will be.

We can still be comfortable and happy; We are still human.

Congratulations Sharon, and anyone else that has completed school with Misophonia, or any other learning disorder, or disability of any kind. Graduate school is very impressive, but even High school is a pretty big feat. You are amazing, and should be very proud, for what you had to overcome to get to that point. Give yourself some credit.

My reply to Sharon…

She wore her earplugs, during her ceremony, and took them out before going up and receiving her associates degree. People probably noticed, but who cares? She was a lot better off, than if she hadn’t worn them. There is no need for a suffer to subject selves to a surefire panic attack, if it can be prevented. For my high school graduation, I wore earplugs. I kept popping the one furthest away from everything, in and out, to hear things around me, when needed, and hid it in my gown to grab my diploma. Sometimes, with disorders, like Misophonia, you just have to do whatever it takes to stay content.

Sufferers: Don’t be afraid to take precautions, or be comfortable.

Written by Rachel Tew

June 12, 2016 0 comments

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Awareness

Confessions of a Misophone

by Sensory Diversity June 10, 2016

written by Sensory Diversity

I experience audial, visual and tactile triggers.

I must confess, at first, my audial triggers were more prevalent, because I can close my eyes and avoid touching certain things, but I can’t always avoid a sound. Both visual and tactile triggers, usually are coupled with, and therefor, overshadowed by, an audial trigger. With visuals, I physically put up my hand, or some sort of prop, or close both, or even just the one eye receiving the triggering stimuli. I know that this can look very strange to others around me, but I cannot handle it passing through my sensory receptors. When triggered, in unfamiliar situations, around other people, I will either leave, or plug my ears, put in headphones or earplugs. When triggered in my comfort zone, or if I cannot block it out, I can sometimes get embarrassingly, angry, mostly at myself. I haven’t lashed out at others, since I was a kid. Now, instead, I get self destructive, and can, sometimes, exhibit immature, tantrum-like behaviors, such as growling or sighing aggressively, even stomping my feet, smacking, or banging or, the most shamefully relieving, slamming. This is on really bad days, but it does happens, embarrassingly so. I have to do something to let out all the tension, and adrenaline, swirling around in my body and mind.

Some things, that I can hear and see, when they are repetitive, pushes me to my limits. For example, when some one wipes their hands on their pants after every single bite of chips with some sort of powder or salt on them. A lot of people are incessant and do it every single mouthful, like they aren’t about to stick their greasy fingers back in the bag, to grab some more things, put their hand up to their mouth, and then crunch and chew on some more, and take twenty minutes to finish the bag. I cannot stand hearing, and shy away from touching, cardboard, paper, Styrofoam, velvet, fabric, jeans, carpet, the ever dreaded four cup drink carriers from fast food restaurants. I will avoid experiencing any combination of these things rubbing up against each other, at all costs. I carry lotion everywhere, because the sound, and feeling of dry skin rubbing up against dry skin, or practically anything else, especially anything listed above, sends shivers up my spine.

I instinctually pay extra close attention to my surroundings, and actively avoid experiencing triggers. This causes anxiety, and sometimes involves me seeming a tad preoccupied and acting oddly. When I am triggered in a situation, I have to evaluate whether or not I want to, or have to stay, if the answer is no to either, I’m gone. If the answer is yes, then I try to cover it up, with my own voice, tapping, or with background noise, if I can. I block my view, act very exaggeratedly, and energetically, and usually express the shock and detest, however, blaming the cause on something else. If none of that works, and I just can’t escape, I plug my ears, shut my eyes, practice my deepest breathing, to where I’m the only thing I can hear in my head, and try to find muster up the strength to still feel human afterwards. Even though, I am very aware that I can look ridiculous, I cannot change this about myself. It is not me. It is the disorder that I am stuck with, my life lesson, and my battle. I am strong and will not let it defeat me, but it is still a daily issue.

I sincerely apologize for my chronic resting b**** face.

June 10, 2016 0 comments

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Coping

Consistently Uncomfortable

by Sensory Diversity June 1, 2016

written by Sensory Diversity

In 5th grade, right around the time I hit puberty, I started to notice that I was very sensitive. I would get immediately distracted and violently aggravated, by the sound of certain, usually repetitive, ambient and bodily noises. I cannot sleep or concentrate if I hear a ticking clock, and I have been known to remove them off of walls. Chewing, repetitive coughing, slurping, and other various bodily sounds all bother me, but the “trigger” with the most impact out of all, is sniffing. This is due to the amount of times this particular trigger can be heard throughout a normal day, and I cannot help but notice every single sniff that occurs within earshot of me. Not only do I notice it, but it causes an extreme flood of fear and anxiety to rush through every facet of my body. This natural, innocent noise being such a disruptive thing for me, is extremely tiresome. Most of my family members have sinus issues, causing them to sniff quite frequently, all year round, 24/7, and fun fact: so does most of the rest of the world, including a lot of you reading this. All of these things that trigger me, make it difficult for me to function properly for most of the day, anytime that I am around other people, or even listening to, or watching them. In my younger years, I was violent, physically aggressive, and verbally abusive when triggered repetitively. Since then, through humiliation, and confusion, I have figured out other ways of coping that don’t hurt the people around me, or I remove myself completely. However, it still greatly affects me, internally, and hinders my social interactions. I cannot comfortably be in the vicinity of other people making these natural noises. Even if I am completely comfortable and enjoying myself in an environment, the second I experience a trigger, I am disgusted, in a bad mood, and I want to leave right away. I cannot keep myself from noticing it, and reacting to it, when I hear it. Thus, keeping me from fully focusing or functioning for a stunting majority of the day. I have problems concentrating, remembering details and making decisions, when my mind is under attack. Most people don’t even notice any of my triggers, because it is suppose to be background information, but for some reason, part of my brain didn’t get that memo, to my detriment.

What exactly do I experience when I am triggered?

Panic/Anxiety
Fear
Throat tightening
Strong desire to stop the source of the trigger
Emotional distress
Sweating
Quickened heartbeat
Extreme muscle tension
Fidgeting
The urge to flee.
The reflex to repeat and mimic the sound to “cover it up” in my head.

These are all reactions that I have as soon as I experience a trigger, without my consent. Since I have such an uncontrollable, violent reaction, my body and mind get stressed out. I’m left physically tired, mentally exhausted, emotionally confused, self conscious, and terrified that I made a fool of myself in the process. I know people around me sense my sudden anxiety. I am aware that, in person, I can act very strangely. I know that I say weird, or strange things, act flighty, goofy, or seem like I am not paying attention to anything. I know that I twirl my hair constantly, fidget, move, pace, position myself in weird ways, and/or move away from people without explanation. I know that when people are upset, and their noses are running, I seem to get angry, even though sometimes they really need me to be calm and comforting. I know that I come up with peculiar excuses for behaving in such strange ways. That is not my true personality, and I am ashamed, and feel extremely guilty, that I act this way. These behaviors are only mechanisms I have acquired due to my daily battle with Misophonia. I can’t fully focus on anything or “act normal” when my nervous system is being violently disrupted at the slightest, most common noise. It’s just a simple noise, with no malicious intent, no threat to my well being. I know this, you know this. However, no one else around me really seems to understand what this actually does to my mind and body. An extremely negative psychological response occurs for me, including depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia.

I have the urge to stay inside, in my room, sometimes for days, even weeks, straight. I dread going anywhere: to the movies, out to eat, out shopping, to school, to work, even hanging out with family and friends, because it is much easier and less stressful to stay home, than to put myself in a position to be triggered and have another anxiety attack. Staying inside all day, not feeling like I can explain myself, missing out on enjoying my life and not being able to do things without fear, anxiety and distraction is deeply depressing. I have contemplated my mortality far more extensively than a 22 year old should, as I have had ample amount of to do so, while in hiding from the world. I don’t have suicidal thoughts, or want to die, but for a while, my life did seem meaningless and cruel. I was underweight for almost two years and still currently struggle keeping a healthy weight. I feel like, for years, I have faked that I was normal as best as I could so that people wouldn’t ask questions. I struggle with faith because I find it hard to believe that someone or something could have purposefully created me to suffer. I strive to be a good person, with respect and morals, but that is because I believe it is my duty to be a decent human, I am just not sure who I really answer to. Constantly being in a physical and mental state of stress has its consequences. I’ve been doing my research, and correlating with personal experience. Under stress, muscles tense up, and mine don’t hardly get the chance to relax. Tight muscles cause headaches, back and neck pain, and body aches, all of which I experience quite frequently, and move very stiffly because of so. It, hurts, so it discourages me from exercising, however, strengthening the muscles can lessen the pain. Stress decreases my appetite, causing me to struggle to keep body mass index out of the “underweight” category, and subsequently resulting in my weight being the topic of conversation when I see loved ones. Being stressed raises my heart rate, and chronic stress causes my heart to over work in the long run, making me more susceptible to heart and other related conditions, later on in life. Chronic stress does lower the immune system, although I don’t feel like I get sick super often, its still a threat to me. The rush of hormones, rapid breathing, and raised heart rate, disrupt the digestive system, causing me to have acid re flux, heart burn, and even digestive issues. Not only does the stress have negative effects, but the coping mechanisms that I have developed are somewhat destructive. I tense my muscles, twirl my hair, pick my nails, and grind and grit my teeth as a stress and anger release.

Here is where things get shamefully strange. I like to sit in the back of rooms, wherever my back is to the wall, or there is little to no people behind me, because I find it easier to manage when I can see where the noise is coming from. I like to have my hair down, so that I can put earplugs in my ears more discretely, and, also, because even when I don’t have earplugs in, my hair sort of acts like a safety blanket over my ears, making the noises a little more tolerable, its more of a mental comfort thing. I also know to avoid or prepare for certain places, times, and people that I know will cause me to hear a sniff. There are a lot of little ways that I have found to cope, even if its just in my head. Most people sniff quite a few times a day, sometimes just for emphasis. People sniff when they go swimming, and usually after they cough or sneeze, which are also triggers for me, subsequently. On top of all of that, I live in Tennessee, which has one of the largest variety of trees in one location, resulting in allergy season, and generally all year round, to be extremely exciting. There are lots of different types of sniffs, and some of them bother me more than others. It depends on the volume, length, pitch, and tone of the sniff, itself. This is where things start to sound a bit nuts, because I sort of have a science behind it. (It makes me feel better) I can tell how a persons sniff is going to sound by the shape of their nose and know to avoid sticking around people who look suspicious of being extremely bothersome. I think the aspect about sniffing, that causes the most emotional impact, though, is that people sniff when they cry. The tear duct is connected to the sinus passageways. The major problem is, people cry when they are hurting, or sad, and that’s usually when they need me to be there the most physically and mentally. However, all I want to do is be very, very far away. I’ve been known to my family as being robotic, insensitive, or I have been compared to Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, because of the way I act when people are upset, or are just sniffling. Which doesn’t reflect my actual personality at all. I really do want to be able to be there, and I do get through it, assisted by adrenaline, for emergencies or serious events, but other than that, I have zero tolerance for crying. That does not mean that I’m not sympathetic or not caring, though. I will address problems that cause the pain, but most likely from a distance. Even if I really want to, sometimes, I just can’t stick around to provide physical comfort, to those I love. This negatively affects all of my relationships with everyone, if I can’t be there on that level, it stunts relationship growth, and causes us to be less affectionate, and more detached overall. This is why the family, and the only friends I have, I barely see, because I am afraid of them sniffing… and also, because I feel guilty. Hypocritically, I have cried, and sniffed, countless times, myself, which only added to my guilt.

Even though the majority of this article has been depressing, I don’t want people to think that I have given up hope. I am not going to be held back by my own brain. My solution is to carry earplugs and headphones wherever I go, and play music or background noise whenever I can. I force myself to continue living my life, even if it means being triggered in the process, when I accomplish my goals, I will appreciate how hard I fought and worked at it. I am stronger than my disorder.

By Rachel Tew

June 1, 2016 0 comments